These  are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are (purportedly) things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm  while these exchanges were actually taking place.  Hard to believe some of these - but they are pretty funny.




ATTORNEY:

What was the first thing your husband said to
you that morning?

WITNESS: 
He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: 
And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: 
My name is Susan!

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: 
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: 
Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: 
No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: 
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory all?

WITNESS: 
Yes.

ATTORNEY: 
And in what ways does it affect your memory? 

WITNESS: 
I forget.

ATTORNEY: 
You forget? Can you give us an example of something          
you  forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: 
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep he doesn't know about it until
 
the next morning? 

WITNESS: 
Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________
ATTORNEY: 
The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old
is he?

WITNESS: 
He's twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: 
Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: 
Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: 
So the date of conception (of the baby) was            
August  8th?

WITNESS: 
Yes.

ATTORNEY: 
And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: 
getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: 
She had three children, right?

WITNESS: 
Yes.

ATTORNEY: 
How many were boys?

WITNESS: 
None.

ATTORNEY: 
Were there any girls?

WITNESS : 
Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney.   
Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: 
How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: 
By death.

ATTORNEY: 
And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: 
Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: 
Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: 
He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: 
Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: 
Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_________ ____________________________


ATTORNEY: 
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a  deposition notice which I sent to your attorney.  


WITNESS: 
No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: 
Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
you  performed on dead people?   


WITNESS: 
All of them. The live ones put up too much of
a fight.

_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: 
Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?

WITNESS: 
The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: 
And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: 
If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: 
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: 
Are you qualified to ask that question?

_____________ _________________________



And the best for last 

ATTORNEY: Doctor,
before you performed the autopsy, did you      
check for a pulse?
        
WITNESS: 
No.

ATTORNEY: 
Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: 
No.

ATTORNEY: 
Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: 
No.

ATTORNEY: 
So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?     

WITNESS: 
No.

ATTORNEY: 
How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: 
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
      
ATTORNEY: 
I see, but could the patient have still been alive,       
nevertheless?

WITNESS: 
Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law.